Escape from Ted's Montana Grill Sanford Stadium

Whew.

About halfway through the second quarter, all my ideas for today's blog went out the window. It no longer made sense to tell the fib that Ted Turner had opened a new Ted's Montana Grill in Athens, seating 92,734. No Filet Ralphieon medium rare to go with the sack of Idaho potatoes coach Dan Hawkins brought from Boise last year to Sanford. No cracks about Colorado finally having a male placekicker and a female mascot, not vice versa. And certainly no mention of how Colorado got beat by a I-AA team that then lost to a Division II team, the equivalent of us losing to Ga Southern and then having GSU lose to Albany State. Totally out-of-line to talk about that after wiggling out of this one.

On top of that, we'll probably never hear Munson's 2006 Colorado call added to the highlights we play during tailgates in the years to come (Prediction: By then, playing of Munson calls will be deemed "inappropriate for the family tailgating experience" by the administration). To make matters worse, when we scored the winning TD, I got in trouble for my behavior. No, this was not a repeat of the 2001 Auburn tantrum*. Nor did I use any four-letter words in front of my three-year-old daughter (aka Lite Afternoon Snack). My offense was worse than the sprint draw on 4th and 3. I yelled so loud that I might have woken LAS up from her nap. Thankfully, she's a sound sleeper. (A quick aside: LAS knows to say the pledge to the American flag and "Goooooo Dawgs, Sic 'em" to the Bulldog flags she sees in the neighbors' yards. So cute.)

It was eerie how most of this game felt like the Sugar Bowl against Greased Lightning West Virginia. It was like going to Outback (hope I'm not foreshadowing anything) Steakhouse, having slow service, cold food, flat beer and waitstaff that keeps dropping the bread on the floor. But then...right when the experience has gone as badly as possible, the manager shows up and comps your meal, even giving you a gift certificate for a Bloomin' Onion next time you come.
You thank the manager for salvaging the dinner and agree with him that you hope the next time will be better. You hope the food comes out well-prepared, hot, and not in need of a good zapping halfway through the meal. If they have to, they'll put some stick-um on the servers' hands so they won't dump the tea in your lap. You smile and let the manager know you're coming back soon, in two weeks to be exact, and you are bringing a big-time business client in for dinner. Your year is dependent on this meeting going well, and you hope everything will be ready to go. Because your client is going to eat a lot...and he is hungry. (click for client's resume')

*Don't ask. I am lucky my wife (aka Sensible Dinner) agreed to continue our engagement.

POLL QUESTION: "The Golden Age of Auburn Football"

An alert fan, one Kermit Z. Peters of Birmingham, heard an ESPN reporter say Saturday that we are experiencing "the Golden Age of Auburn Football".

Let's see...since 2000:

1 SEC Championship (2004)

1 "People's Choice" National Championship (2004). The People's Choice Awards also chose Mel Gibson, Julia Roberts and ARRRRRRGH Pirates of the Carribean that year. Haven't noticed a "2004" banner or statuette at Jordan-Hare next to the "1957" national championship banner. Perhaps I missed the presentation ceremony when Charlie Sheen handed the precious Waterford crystal over to an emotional Coach Tuberville.

By the way, Kermit Z Peters' finger was removed from his throat without surgery, thank goodness!

Ben Strikes Again

Another Nugget from Ben:

As another festive week of football flies by, let's take a look at what's already taken place and what may lie ahead.

1. I got caught behind a Marta bus this morning about a mile from work which made me a few minutes late into work. As I started to pound the steering wheel in anger, I paused for a moment and told myself "Hey it's not that bad... I could be Larry Coker at Miami". Supposedly a press conference for tomorrow at 3pm is scheduled from what rivals.com message boards are saying. And it ain't to announce the upcoming women's volleyball team schedule. I hope these reports pan out and he's ousted. I would look for Tuberville to be on a short list of possible replacements. He would fit the image well at Miami. I'd imagine CMR's name would be thrown around some but I wouldn't think it'd go very far from their end or CMR's end.

2. As I was telling some people earlier in a conversation, I think LSU is going down the same road Miami is currently. LSU is just a few steps behind at the moment as Les Miles hasn't had enough time to completely downgrade the program yet. I was able to attend the Aub/ LSU game Saturday and you just see nothing from the LSU players and coaches that shows fire to win and leadership in crunch time. In this league- that equates to losses against pretty good teams. Aub had no business winning that game but LSU cannot execute when it matters. LSU looks great coming off the bus, but rest assured they can't get the job done when they need to. If they keep him another two years, LSU will be a team consistently ranked in the 15-20 range. Nice team, a lot of talent, no clue what to do with it.

3. Same as above but insert Alabama instead of LSU. Shula is in over his head still, but all we keep hearing is "give him some time..." A coach who is incapable of leading a team to significant victories is nothing more than a coach who is incapable of leading his team to significant victories. We can wait till 2010 if they want- but it'll be the same ol' same ol'.

4. The ACC is now just decrepit. I hope ABC has a clause they can exercise to show Wild Kingdom repeats or maybe they can buy Fashion Runway from the Bravo network and show it on Saturdays at 3:30. There have been too many embarrassing losses already to even mention. That conference is WAY off this go round, at the top and at the bottom. Any time you hear a commentator say "GA Tech has a legitimate shot at winning their division" you know the conference is way off. How funny would it be to see Reggie Ball hoisting the division title trophy up in the air come November. He'd probably put a tattoo on the figurine or something. What a thug. But he's a whole other email.

5. TN left everything they have on the field Saturday against Fla. They came close but that's about it for them. I look for them to find another two or three losses this season. We should beat them (given Stafford starts of course), and just unplug the tv when Ala and SC play them. The US World Cup team may score more points than TN, Ala, and SC.

6. Auburn being # 2 is kind of funny. Top 10 for sure but they're not one of the elite teams by any stretch in my opinion. LSU handed them their lunch for the most part but a lack of leadership and focus spelled their downfall on the scoreboard. Aub is a solid team and really makes you work hard to beat them but a team that plays sound football and remains focused can do it. That team could very well be us if Joe T just keeps the head set on and carries the clipboard.

7. Very good chance for our third straight shutout this weekend against Colorado. They are nothing short of morbid. It'll be fun though to see their mascot Ralphie charge onto the field before the game. I believe it's the first time he's made an away trip they say. Which is exactly why I'm ending this one now, I'm talking about their mascot instead of a good matchup on the field. Dawgs by 27. Would be by 37 if we had some receivers (see any past email I've sent).

8. Notre Dame is an average team at best. If I hear another person talk about Brady Quinn, I may start doing Traci Goldman impersonations and throw up repeatedly. I just don't see it. Didn't see it last year either. The kid is not all that at least in my opinion. FINALLY I read this morning where several NFL scouts are starting to have serious concerns about his pro ability. Guess time will tell. He can always tell his kids though that he was better than Reggie Ball.

9. Sign in the Auburn student section during the game... "LSU BLEAUXS".

10. South Carolina is so bad it's funny. I was one of the folks picking them in a chic upset of UGA a couple weeks ago. What can transpire in two weeks time is astounding. I wouldn't have picked them in an upset though had I known Stafford would play the whole game pretty much for whatever it's worth. Wofford had a 3rd and goal with 30 seconds left to tie the game against them this past Saturday. Ouch. Maybe Spurrier would be interested in the Miami position when it becomes open.

That's all for now. I hate typing. Let's take care of business this week and next, then handle the Pumpkins when they come to town. We ought to build a tollbooth in Rockmart and charge a .50 cent toll for every Camaro that crosses into GA the weekend of Oct 7th. We could send many an underprivileged child to school for years with that revenue.

Ben

Ever Heard This One Before?

Ryan Callahan of Knoxville's The Tennessean wrote post UT-UF (Full Article) :

To linebacker Jerod Mayo, it almost didn't feel like Tennessee lost.
"I still feel we were the better team," Mayo said. "We just didn't make the plays when we needed to."

Like Gary McCord suggests to amateur golfers when they hit a bad shot: Never Blame Yourself.
Blame it on invisible alien space rays, but don't beat yourself up over it.

To be fair, the UT player later creditied UF coaches and players for stepping up. But the "we were the better team" even though they lost is getting to be pretty humourous (and expected).

Spurrier Quote(s) of the Week, Part II

I never thought we'd see the Ol Ball Coach take a page from the Phil Fulmer playbook...when your team underperforms (or more likely, performs as should really be expected), blame the refs! (click for link to article)

On a side note, a buddy of mine has predicted that South Carolina would win the SEC East in three years. Once I cleared the beer from my sinus cavity...

It's Mighty Hard Out There for a PimpCoach

For future reference, not much will be said on this blog about the ACC, unless we're talking about the North Avenue Trade School or if Ben riffs on Miami. That said, if you like bad music, bad fashion sense AND bad coaching, please click here.

Hangin' Half a Hundred--Remembering

When I hang half of zero on my desktop calculator, I still get zero.

It takes some of the sting out of the 1995 Sanford Stadium visit from the Evil Genius.

Erk wouldv'e been mighty proud.

Steve Spurrier Quote of the Week

"That's how dumb-ass we are right there. The quarterback didn't know (the center) was snapping the ball. We had our chances. We're just stupid right now. And us coaches, we're stupid."

HOW TO FIX THE DROPSIES

My Bulldawg Bruthren and Silver Britches Sistren(?):

I want to start by saying: Mistakes happen. We all make 'em, and we're not here to put any more pressure on the young men we pull for each fall Saturday. However, if you see a problem, true leadership requires that you bring a solution to the table. We are here to help, and I suggest that we haven't been doing all we can as loyal fans of the Red and Black. That's right...as SuperFan would likely say, it's our fault.

After seeing Ben's recent email (see bottom of this post) regarding the "coaching up" of our WR's, I had a brainstorm and went straight to the one resource that may help us: The lunar calendar.

http://aa.usno.navy.mil/data/docs/MoonPhase.html

Friends, there will be a Full Moon at midnight (that's 12 o'clock in the AM) Saturday Oct. 7th, just in time for the Arrival of the Great Pumpkin, pictured here:

Actually, this is what happens when you leave Athens with a loss. It might be the Vol Walk, for all I know/care. But, I digress.

This full moon will also mark our last shot this season as true Dawg Fans to correct one glaring problem before the Really Big Games hit our schedule: the Dropsies

In olden times, dropsy was a medical term for swelling of soft tissue due to the accumualtion of excess water. Usually, this was a physical symptom of something more serious, such as congestive heart failure. For our purposes, it is the immediate rejection of a tempoary skin graft of pigskin by the soft tissue of the hands. It presents in unusually high pressure situations as well as second and 3 while up by 21, and is generally thought to be psychological in origin.

I am not calling specifically for UGA Psych majors to help. If you ever parked illegally in the Psychology Dropoff/Pickup lot between East Campus and Baldwin St., you can put this experience to use to help our receivers' ailing paws.

Now, without piling on or calling out any names, a little history on the affliction. It has plagued us ever since the end of the '94 Bammer game in Tuscaloosa: We needed just one first down to run out the clock... there was a Zeier bullet right to the gut of a Dawg receiver--dropped. The dropsies most recently appeared in this past Saturday's opener, right there in the end zone. You might think we're leaving someone out in this little trip down memory lane, but we'll get to him shortly. To be perfectly fair, we have seen some mighty big catches made by our beloved Dawgs: The "hobnail boot", the 1996 catch at the end of regulation w/Auburn that sent us to overtime, the even bigger catch at Auburn in 2002 that propelled us to the SEC Championship. We're just looking for consistency on balls that should be caught.

Here's where we step in:

If anyone on the Dawg list can take care of the following items, I think we can help our WR's. This may seem a bit drastic and possibly harsh, but an ounce of prevention towards the start of the season is better than a pound of cure later (more on that below)

• One live chicken (or a bucket of chicken from Weaver D's)
• Unpaid UGA parking ticket from Psychology parking lot. (Bonus points for citations in President Adam's personal parking complex)
• A 30-second loop recording of Munson trying to pronounce "Massaquoi" . Edit in bites of Munson's pleading, "Run, Lindsey!" from 1980.
• A lock of Terrance Edwards' hair. You know, we better include a couple of his fingernail clippings, too.
• An empty bottle from a previous "Dawg Pound", preferably one before the SEC Championship game
• A rosin bag used by Greg Maddux while an Atlanta Brave. (Why Maddux? Did you ever see any hard hit ball get past him? The man is like a cat)
• That voodoo lady from Savannah that was in "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil"
• Have voodoo lady stop by Sonny Seiler's house on her way out of town and get UGA VI to donate some Dawg-slobber. A couple ounces should do for prevention, don't you think?

At the aformentioned appointed time...midnight under the full moon, a select few Dawg fans and the voodoo lady will gather by the cemetary just across the Oconee River from Sanford Stadium. The Munson loop begins...the gathered items (excluding the voodoo lady)are slowly consumed by fire...the group chants, "5, 10, 15, 20! 25, 30!" By now, the chicken is good and warmed up, so everyone eats a piece and goes back to the hotel for a likker drink (or to the tailgate spot to sit in the car lest the Adams Tailgate Patrol arrest you for Thinking Ahead)...

While it would be better for the mojo to get inside the stadium, post-9/11 who really thinks stadium security will believe your story that you just wanted to re-enact "Munson's Greatest Calls" by the light of a small bonfire on the 50? To make things worse, Munson pronouncing "Massaquoi" over and over would probably sound like Arabic...

The "pound of cure" nobody wants? Ask UGA how he got house-broken.

Ben's Analysis

I've been biting my tongue on this QB thing for months now, but it's starting to hurt too much so I have to chime in real quick. Simply put, I feel there are 9 wins on our schedule with virtually any of our QB's. However, the potential for a tenth maybe an eleventh win should we get a couple breaks in a key game rest with the QB's with a greater potential and play-making ability. Joe T appears to be an efficient game manager and should be perhaps even more error-free than a couple of the youngins for awhile. But the key games on our schedule (TN, Aub, and Fla)will require the QB of choice to make a play at somepoint to turn the game. I do not see that eminating from Joe T's ability level. If CMR's plan is to continue to start him in games until the youngins separate themselves in a pecking order, that is understandable. I just sincerely hope that by the TN game, Stafford or Cox have reached the level needed to be the starter. Because that is what will be required should we be looking to return to theGA Dome for anything besides the Peach Bowl. Maybe it was just me, but did anyone else see a difference in the QB's when they took the field? When Stafford took the field, you could just see he was looking to make something happen and move the ball. That was his primary focus, to go out and move the team. With Joe T, it seemed he came out to keep things "safe", not mess up, play the percentages and manage the game. That's all great for 8 or 9 teams on our schedule. But we're not going to be judged in those games- we'll be judged in the handful of games that will test us and require us to really make some plays and come out of the "safe" mode. Aub will eat us alive with that mentality. If we're going to lose to Aub- we need to leave all our bullets on the field at least and know we got beat. But lining up with a"Chan Gailey" at QB ain't going to get the job done this go-round.

On a better note- for the first time ever, our secondary is exciting to watch. Even the backups have the play-making ability. That is what is required to contend for titles. Our defense as a whole looks very strong and deep at most positions. As always though, if we could find a way to coach our receivers up- we'd be in the upper echelon of teams year in and year out. Our RB's are deep, our OL will come around to be solid by mid-season, but every player on our team responsible for catching footballs has problems (short of Mo Mass). Coach Eason is one of the smartest criminals around for continuing to find ways to receive a paycheck. Was there anything at all in the game Saturday (against a joke AA team no less) that looked good from our WR's ?? I can't think of much outside of a couple nice blocks for our RB's down field. This is the fifth season now that exposes our lack of development at the position. Our best receivers coming out of camp were Mo Mass (obviously) and a cornerback converted to WR. What does that say about how we've handled the position the last fewyears ? Still a glaring problem and will affect the offense this year yet again. All the more reason to have a QB that can make a play and have a serious impact on the play of our WR's. Just one man's opinion of course.

Ben